It was a new day.  With great zeal and admirable intent I prayed Proverbs 11:16 over my life…”Lord, make me a woman possessing this kind of character!  Create in me such graciousness, such honor, that now and in the years to come, my husband and children can speak honestly and testify that his wife/their mother is and was the most honorable woman that they know or had known!”  I prayed earnestly that those who knew me best would be the ones that thought the highest of me.

Oh the prayers we desire to see answered, and the ignorance we possess of the pain we will experience in their completion!  For weeks I prayed this prayer…basking in the belief that it would be done as I petitioned.  Yes, I knew my God was able to refine my character and smooth the rough edges, but then, too, I was well disciplined in habit and strong in self-denial…loved by husband and children…yes, it would surely come to pass.  And then… I would wear my badge of honor with glowing countenance and lifted gaze!

To my absolute surprise, if not horror, a series of difficult weeks ensued, the like of which I could hardly endure – both emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  After two or three months of experiencing no reprieve in the onslaught, seeing no victories, watching my anger boil over and explode like hot oil over my weary children and strained husband, and observing in dismay normal structure vanishing and chaos reigning, I threw myself to the ground in a paralyzing fit of unbelief.  My “strength of character” nose-dived into the mud, and stuck fast, unable to free itself.  One of the most exhausting battles I had been fighting was a relationship/discipline problem with one of my children whose troubled emotions were casting blight on the entire household.  Day after miserable day found my child and I, head to head, battling over whose stubborn will was the strongest.

And so I collapsed in a pile, and I prayed in desperation…”Have mercy on me a sinner, oh God!  I do not know what You are doing, why You are not fixing this problem, or if You are even hearing my desperate cries for help…but I cannot face another day in my wretched life without a word from You.  What is going on and why won’t it end?”  I knew I could not force Him or manipulate Him to answer my prayer…I had already tried that.  But, I also knew I could not give one more smile, serve one more needy child, or answer my dear husband sweetly one more time, unless the Lord intervened.  I was to the end of myself.  As I lay there in my messy sackcloth and ashes, curled in a fetal position, I knew that unless the Lord had mercy on me and raised me up again that the hungry, neglected cries of my children would eventually draw someone in and what a humiliating scene that would be.  But even that image could not give me the motivation to get up and give life another try.  Something had snapped inside of me.  I could not fix it.  So much for honor.  So much for self-discipline or graciousness.  So much for zeal.  So much for trusting God to answer the prayers of the well meaning and the good intentioned.

And I lay there, and with soundless tears grieved the loss of it all.

Then, quietly, quietly into my tired mind crept the gentle voice of God…in the form of a scripture…”Before destruction a man’s heart is haughty, but humility comes before honor” Prov. 18:12.

In the last several weeks/months, I had been desperately searching Proverbs for wisdom on how to handle my wayward child.  I had become frustrated because I had found so little council on how to fix him.  But as I lay there, verse after verse came softly on the sweet breath of God and began to fix me.

“The fear of the Lord is instruction in wisdom, and humility comes before honor” Prov.15: 33.

“Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall” Prov. 16:18.

“Scoffer is the name of the arrogant haughty man who acts with arrogant pride.” Prov. 21:24

“Drive out the scoffer, and the strife will go out and the quarrelling and abuse will cease” Prov. 22:10

“The reward for humility and fear of the Lord is riches and honor and life.” Prov. 22:4

“A man of wrath stirs up strife, and one given to anger causes much transgression.  One’s pride will bring him low, but he who is lowly in spirit will obtain honor.” Prov. 29:22-23

And as I began to see that in every verse that spoke of honor, there was first humility…and that with strife there always came a haughty, arrogant spirit of pride…a very wobbly praise began to form on my lips.  Because, even though the problem shown was I and that was painful, the Lord was giving me answers…and that was good, very good.  Then, came again, the voice of the Holy Spirit…”Child, I am answering your prayers. I am driving out the scoffer, the pride, and the strife, so that there is room for the honor. (Prov. 21:24,22:10) “.  And He is merciful, and He is gracious, and He is worthy to be praised.

I still desire that my family believes in me, and still hope that they would recognize me as an honorable woman.  But I know that selfishness and pride is a stench in the nostrils of God, and my desire to control my character, my children, and my reputation is nothing but self-absorption.

Though I have not learned my lesson in its entirety –having barely even scratched the surface-and though some days seem nothing more that a struggle, I marvel at the sweet and heavenly relief that comes from the measure of Christ bestowed on me by the mercy of the Father.  The Truth does set us free, and would that our prayers were “Lord, drive the haughty woman out of my heart!  Let me serve You because You are worthy to be served – not because I wish to be rewarded or honored.  It is my reasonable service, due You, oh Redeemer of my dirty soul, to serve regardless and love the people you have placed in my life, unconditionally.  It is my reasonable service.”

He is worthy to be served, though we may never experience honor.  He is worthy to be served though we may never experience verbal recommendation or reputational reward. And if we chafe at this, therein lies the problem.  And problems will lead us to seek answers, and answers will lead us to wisdom.  And wisdom will lead us to Him, for He is wisdom.  And if we never have honor, but we have found Him, we have all we need.  May we be satisfied with His likeness, with beholding His face. (Psalm.17:15)