Oh, the fear that forms us!  The secret fears that fertilized by our silence flourish like weeds, and block out the pure light of Truth.  And then empowered by our belief in them, they form our thought patterns and take over the beauty that was designed by the Creator, that could have been, and they turn the landscape of our mind into a wasteland.  But, the Father, rich in mercy, takes up our cause, and begins to plow up our fallow ground….and could it be? Could it be that we are allowed, bestowed, graciously given a brand new Spring, a fresh new planting season?  Could it be that we might become a well-watered garden?

For various reasons, I was a child given to fears.  In reflecting back, I can remember so very many times living with an ache in my stomach, a knot that wouldn’t let me rest.  They could have been real, they could have been imagined, but deal with them, I must.  And so I tried.  In my childish mind, my fears would not come to pass or could be minimized if I could somehow control my circumstances.  Thus, the knot in my stomach and the plague of perfectionism.  As I grew a little older and ran into that which I could not control I grew intensely angry, lashing out on anyone that stood in my path,  or I lost myself in novels and other diversions…refusing to acknowledge the present thing that was breaking my heart.

My parents chose Christian private schooling for me and my siblings. There were many blessings of this choice, and I am thankful for all the seeds of belief that a God-fearing education planted in my soul.  But as all education at that time, the learning system chosen was implemented for each and every child in attendance regardless of his/her individual learning style.  Here was a big problem, for the methodology of the schooling was students completing 40 light units per year (10 workbooks on each subject: math, English, science, history) at their own pace, sitting in their individual cubicles…and I?  I could not follow written instructions and directions.  While, it seemed others were quickly reading  their text and filling in the expected answers,  I sat and painstakingly arranged my pencil box and meticulously wrote my guesses in picture perfect handwriting  always dealing with a less or greater degree of  either stubborn  defeat or rising panic.  I did not know that there were others like me.  I only knew that I was paranoid of being the “dumb one” and I wasn’t going to talk about my inability to understand what everyone else seemed to be having no trouble with.  So I would carefully monitor how often I would call my teacher to my desk,  try to memorize when I could, and inevitably the end of the quarter came around to quickly, finding me with stacks of light units uncompleted.  I would surface in a cold sweat the last week and a half of the quarter, pull myself out of my haze of denial and avoidance, and start cramming my way through piles of paperwork.  The compassionate teacher would wave all that she could, I would memorize anything and everything for the final testing, and with little to no comprehension, I would just make it…barely …by the skin of my teeth.  My reputation saved, I was once more “caught up” with the rest of my class, and I went home to sleep off the exhaustion.  Through my own sheer determination, I had kept control of my little world, but only barely.  I vowed to not go this route again, but the moment I faced my new stack of units in need of completion and the paragraphs of  instructions, I found myself once more facing the dreaded Fear…and mentally I left, reaching for the Trapper Keeper that needed a good organizing, or the crayon box that needed straightening.  Every year found the Lie a little stronger and a little more deeply rooted, watered by my belief….I did not have what it takes.  I wanted to be the smart one, but I was not.  I was a sham, I didn’t get school, and I didn’t want anybody to know.  Then came the high school years, and the years of self-taught computer classes involving DOS textbooks and millions of little incomprehensible commands.  Throw in growing spiritual warfare and coming of age, hormones, peer and parent issues and all my fears seemed to be coming true.  I controlled what I could, falling into anorexia, and when I could not…I fell into self-destructive habits to punish myself.   Through the precious pursuit of my merciful Heavenly Father, His love persuaded me to give my heart to Him at the age of 16, and along with the saving of my soul; He began a redemptive work in my life.

But, many years later, with a home and a family of my own, I would still be faced with the images of the old landscape…and wonder if they were true.  My husband would wonder why I would not read my camera manual, why I refused to learn a new methodology, why everything had to be perfectly controlled, why I would run if he asked to show me how to work a computer program.  He, a natural student in every way, thriving on learning and the ever-fresh adventure of life, could not understand why we hit the wall every time it came to a new learning experience he was trying to share with me.  I limped along through life, trying not to let him realize how unintellectual I really was, scared he would lose interest.  Finally, the Father drew the trick out of the bag that forced me to deal with the Lie I had long believed.  It was mercy, you know, but mercy can be so painful.  The Father asked of us to home school our children.  What? Have I mistaken you, Lord?  Me teach?  Me teach what I have never learned?!  Then to solidify the impossibility of it, He gave me a son with attention problems, hyper energy issues, and learning disabilities.  There it was.  The mountain I had never climbed.  The giant I could never defeat.   I wanted to obey the Father, but in saying yes to Him in felt like the nails were being pounded into my own coffin.  The old ache in my stomach began to grow.  We prayed our way through the first two years of home schooling, and by the grace of God, my three oldest children became avid readers for their age bracket.    This summer, the summer before second grade, was an extreme emotional challenge on the home front.  All the while we were dealing with the heartaches of hurting children, I was aware of the swiftly passing sunlit hours, and the inevitable coming of the next school season.  This is not the way He wishes us to live, always dreading tomorrow.  It should be a red flag to any of us living in such a state that we have grave issues about our belief and trust of the One who has already planned our days.  And the end of August came.  I could not stop its coming.  With it came a stack of teacher’s manuals…to read, and follow, and teach from.  After several times and days of racing heart, pounding pulse, sweaty palms,  and panic climbing up my throat, nearly choking me…I self-diagnosed myself as suffering from Bibliophobia: fear of books (under the sub-category of instruction manuals and textbooks) and Neophobia: fear of new experiences (you cannot control what you do not know will happen).  Yet, all these fears were only symptoms of the true problem.

Today and for the last few months, I have been praising the gracious Lord that my story didn’t end there.  It is not a story about defeat, though it seemed destined to be so for too many years.  In the last four months, my merciful, gracious, faithful, enduring, patient Savior has set me free.  Though I’ve prayed in earnest about this for three years, I finally stopped crying out and just listened.  And the precious Word of God had the platform and the center stage and my listening ear and finally It could do what It does best.  It cut through the bone and marrow of my soul and shed the Light on the lies I had long believed.  Lies I didn’t even know were lies.  Lies I had somehow accepted as Truth.  God forgive me. God’s Spirit never talks in a voice of defeat or condemnation.  “By this we shall know that we are of the Truth and reassure our heart before Him; for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and He knows everything. Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God…” 1 John 3:19-20.  The only time the Lord tells us we “can’t” do something, is if it is not our place or job or His timing.  He never tells us “no, you can’t” because we don’t have the ability.  We have the ability to do all things if He wills us to.  There are no limitations to His strength and we are to trust Him for it.  I had believed a voice of condemnation that told me “I can’t because I do not have the ability.”

Praise the Lord He gave me the Real Truth: “Such is the confidence that we have through Christ toward God.  Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God who has made us competent to be ministers of a new covenant…” 2 Cor. 3:4-6.  “Sufficiency”: Having complete ability to do something.  “Competent”: Having all things needed to act or perform.  “Ministers”: Servants of the Most High.  Christ has “strengthened me with power through His Spirit in my inner being”. Ehp. 3:16. He has given me a spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him, having my eyes enlightened to his storehouse of immeasurable greatness and power to those who believe. He has put all things under His feet!  (Eph.1:17-22)  Of course, I’m equipped for the task!  The task of learning and the task of teaching.  I have found indeed that the Father “calls into existence the things that do not yet exist”, and “calls those things that be not as though they were”. Rom. 4:17 He called me to teach, before I even believed I could learn.  He was faithful to that which He has begun in me.  He has told me” not to remember the former things, nor to consider the things of old.  For He is doing a new thing, making a way in the wilderness and a river in the desert”.  Isaiah 43:18-19.  “I am His servant whom He has chosen (to teach my children) so that I may know and believe that He is God and besides Him there is no Saviour”. Isaiah 43:19-11  And though many years coming, I do believe.  He gave me faith.

I am not doing a perfect job, especially with my son with learning difficulties.  But, I am doing a good job.  I get sorrowed my inadequacies often, but I thank Him for them because they cause me to humble myself daily before the One who makes me able and competent.  I don’t particularly enjoy reading a teacher’s manual or written instructions, but I can do it…and most importantly, I can do it without the chills, shakes, sweats, blurred vision, and panic attacks.  My primary learning style does not come by reading the written word.  It is not an area where I excel. But I can do it and I am.  It is a great honor to know that He believes that I can do this in Him.

Dear friends, “let us not throw away our confidence, which has a great reward.  For we have need of endurance, so that when we have done the will of God, we may with patience receive what is promised.  We are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who have faith and preserve their souls.” Hebrews 10:35, 36, 39

“Now thanks be unto God which always causeth us to triumph in Christ, and maketh manifest the savour of His knowledge by us in every place.” 2 Cor. 2:14

*Dedicated to my dear sisters-in-Christ with whom I had the privilege of studying “Breaking Free” by B.Moore.  Thank you.  That Bible study was integral to this journey.